Rap Newz

Exclusive Screenshot of Kanye West Facebook Post

Sat, 06 Oct 2012 15:18:01 -0400

Through hard work and many tedious hours of investigative journalism, we here at RapNewz have procured a coveted piece of pop culture history: a screenshot in which Kanye West cannot contain his excitement about how “fat” Kim Kardashian’s ass is. Enjoy!

(Note: while the link may imply this is a fake conversation, we assure you, it is not. Trust us!)

http://fakeconvos.com/view.php?id=54438

Rap Newz Considering A Comeback, Only if it Doesn't Turn Out Like Mase's

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 23:39:03 -0400

We here at Rap Newz are mulling a re-entry into the rap satire news reporting game.

Upon taking a step back, we’ve observed that:

A) The competition is extremely uninterested in competing, “probably because Rap Newz is the fuckin’ shit,” our marketing team told us,

B) There is waaaaay too much shit going on right now in the world of hip hop that deserves to be more fully ridiculed and is not, and

C) If we ever do come back, we will probably use the title “Don’t Call it A Comeback,” because LL Cool J is an absolute boss, and for no other reason. We will then proceed to detail a few not-so-awesome comebacks that the rap game has witnessed over the years. In fact, Vanilla Ice may be in the midst of one right now (but let’s hope not).

We’ll keep you posted. Thanks for all your support, and feel free to message us with suggestions, sentiments, or opinions about whether you could use some Rap Newz in your life or whether we should all keep our day jobs, which we assure you are all highly profitable and not at all involved in trying to get you 100k followers on Twitter in 6 days.

Cheers!

Feline Community Outraged Over Popularity of YOLO Phrase

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 14:09:44 -0400

Cats everywhere are up in paws about the Drake/Lil Wayne song “The Motto,” which has served to popularize the term YOLO, an acronym for the truism “You Only Live Once.” Clearly the grounds for their objection here stem from the oft-repeated claim that cats have nine lives.

The criticism in response to the feline outcry is that, outside of a cat’s basic needs—food, shelter, and a halfway decent litterbox—it’s absurd to give a voice to the demands and concerns of these household pets, as they contribute nothing to society and thus should have no role in critiquing it. Additionally, when it comes to issues of culture—so the argument goes—there is little to no reason to believe that cats are capable of understanding them at all. We here at RapNewz are not convinced one way or another. To help us wrap our minds around this complex and contentious issue, we approached one of the world’s foremost neuroscientists, and engaged in a series of correspondences with him via email.

“Is that a serious question?” was his first reply. “Of course cats can’t take issues on controversial phrases or form coherent opinions. Even if they could, they couldn’t voice them. They’re fucking cats, you realize that right? They eat and sleep and shit and drag dead mice into your house and are generally just little furry assholes.” Valid points all, we replied, but how would the neuroscientist respond if he knew that RapNewz had spoken with the world’s most highly respected cat-whisperer, who told RapNewz that cats across the globe are royally pissed off about the YOLO issue? Surely he would not challenge the authority of another professional—or would he?

“Toss a cat in a blender and see how many lives it has,” retorted the cranky neuroscientist. “I don’t have time for this.”

Ever hoping to fulfill our duty as unbiased journalists, sticking to nothing but the facts, we took him up on the challenge, packing a stray kitten we found roaming through the garbage outside into the company blender.

Contrary to what you would expect, the kitten did not spontaneously regenerate after a thorough blending. Touche, neuroscientist.

When we contacted the cat-whisperer to report the results, she was defiant. “That proves nothing,” she said, raising a point that we had not yet considered, “how do you know that you experimented on a cat that had not already lost eight lives?” How indeed. It looks like RapNewz will have to repeat the experiment again, this time using a newborn kitten to be sure that no lives have already been expended. Only then will we know whether the feline outrage over the YOLO phrase rings hollow. Stay tuned for updates, and please contact us if you find yourself with some extra kittens you wish to unload.

Kanye Boldly Asserts That Shit is Cray, Requests Confirmation From Jay

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 13:03:11 -0400

Anonymous members of Kanye’s camp have verified that Kanye is extremely curious as to whether that shit “is or is not cray.” Mr. West has reportedly posed the question to Jay-Z, whom he believes may be able to shed some light on the situation. Hov has not yet answered the query. We should clarify to begin with that Jigga’s silence on the matter should not be construed as negative or as an offense to Mr. West; many think that Jay-Z is simply taking the time to research the question before providing an informed opinion. After all, it is a pressing question, and levels of crayness should never be responded to in haste.

As if this task were not already difficult enough, Kanye’s unquenchable curiosity does not end there. He also asks—to no one in particular, we might add—what dish “she” ordered, although the female he is referencing, as well as the location and details of this particular dining experience, are left unspecified. For what it’s worth, the rapper has openly postulated that he believes the likely dish was “fish fillet.”

Yeezyologist Eunice Badonk is on a team of researchers working night and day to find answers to these questions. “It’s extremely frustrating,” says Dr. Badonk, “because he just openly poses these questions, and expects there to be answers to them immediately. That’s not how it works. People have devoted their lives to questions like these and died unsatisfied. Just because you’re famous doesn’t mean you’re privileged to the answers to some of life’s most important and timeless questions.” Dr. Badonk, who earned her graduate degree in Kanyeegotism at the University of Phoenix two years ago, has spent endless hours in the lab poring over a wide array of specimens, some of which she cannot discuss because they are sensitive to national security issues. Although she is a workhorse, she admits that she is beginning to find it difficult to keep up the pace demanded by her research. “I haven’t had a wink of sleep in more than two weeks,” says a zombie-esque Badonk. “We got a huge shipment of shit from the Pentagon that we believe could have some cray in it, and since then things have just been insane.”

That said, the tireless work of Dr. Badonk and her team of Yeezyologists may be starting to pay off. Says the doctor, with a noticeable sigh of relief, “We believe we are close to finding out what she ordered, and as it stands now it looks like it most probably was fish fillet, although don’t quote me on that, whatever you do. Definitely do not quote me. Because,” she concludes, rolling her eyes, perhaps involuntarily due to unprecedented levels of sleep deprivation, “there’s a small chance that it could have been macaroni.”

Any news on the revival of Mac Dre and the Hyphy Movement?

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 03:18:08 -0400

Drake’s “Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’ma do it for the bay, okay” is the greatest injection of life that movement has received in years. Unless E-40 suddenly gets popular again and starts going hyphy on everyone’s asses. Which…I’m “sayin there’s a chance”…but with Dumb & Dumber-like odds.

“Yes! THIS is the man who will restore the bay area to greatness once again, it HAS to be!”

No, I’m afraid we have entered the age of the basedgod.

Nearly 100% of Rappers Claim to be Plagued by Mysterious Sickness

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 23:18:00 -0400

Medical researchers at UNC-Chapel Hill’s school of medicine released data on Saturday suggesting that if the tally they’ve amassed of rappers claiming to be sickly is accurate, it places rap artists as the most at-risk profession for contacting some sort of malady while on the job. Its 99% rate of active professionals who are currently sick is many times that of the distant 2^nd and 3^rd place careers in the category, which happen to be 3^rd world hospital workers—with 23% of their workforce constantly ill—and amateur mad scientists, whose tendency to routinely create accidental chemical explosions may explain why 19% of its workforce is currently not well.

In the study, 1700 rappers were surveyed, and 1699 of them spoke openly in their songs about their current struggles with some sort of ailment, which they frequently speak of in a pretentious and often proud-sounding manner. Rappers like Lil Wayne, Young Jeezy, Eminem, Kanye West, Jay-Z, T.I., B.o.B, A$AP Rocky, Machine Gun Kelly, Tyler, The Creator, Pitbull, and pretty much any other one you can think of, have all claimed to be sick or ill at some point or another. The single rapper in the survey who had not yet claimed to be suffering from some variation of this widespread and troublingly unidentified illness has incidentally not yet released any material, a fact which he tells RapNewz is due to him “havin da flu like a mothafucka, yo.” So the only rapper with no material to his name is also the only one who is sick with something identifiable. Aside from Kreayshawn, who, it was revealed last Saturday by RapNewz, actually has syphilis and a laundry list of other diseases.

Scientists and doctors alike are unsure why health conditions seem to be so universally poor amongst hip-hop artists, although one theory about the contagion is that it could possibly be spread by way of saliva. “Rappers talk about ‘spitting in the booth’ a lot,” says Neil Shackleford, one of the authors of the study, as he winces in disgust. “In fact,” says Neil, “they often admit to being sick when they are in the process of spitting in the booth.” He shakes his head. “That raises all kinds of red flags, let me tell you.”

Wacka Flocka Criticized for Blatantly Dishonest, Illegal Marketing of Upcoming Album

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 16:15:36 -0400

In promoting his much-hyped second studio album, Triple F Life: Friends, Fans, and Family, Wacka Flocka Flame has begun to attract criticism for some of the more dubious advertising techniques employed throughout the process. It could signal major legal troubles for Flocka, who may stand to forfeit all the royalties from the release if an investigation were to reveal misconduct—which it almost certainly would. Most think a lawsuit is likely, given the magnitude and scope of the techniques employed by Waka’s advertising firm, PeepDis Inc., the self-proclaimed “industry pioneer in creative advertising.” Critics point out that there are distinct and rather clear differences between creativity and outright libel, innovation and false advertising.

The controversy stems from an extensive, international advertising campaign—consisting of TV, radio, internet, and print ads, all equally dishonest—that has been running since mid-April of last year. Despite this, the fan reaction to the elaborate campaign has been “subdued” says an employee of Media Analytics, a firm that monitors the efficiency of advertising dollars spent. Subdued indeed. A series of YouTube videos made to promote the album have garnered a total of 27 hits in almost a year’s time, “all from the same IP Address, registered to Mr. Flocka’s own Toshiba laptop,” says Media Analytics. A Facebook group started by Waka himself to promote the album has only two members, he himself being the first one, and a woman confirmed to be his grandmother the second, although her Facebook account looks suspicious, and very well could have been hastily created by Waka’s promotion team. The group, which began with routine posts promoting the album, has devolved into a repetitive one-way communication tool for Waka to thank his grandmother for her support. (To be clear, Waka’s agent says that his mother was in the group at one point in time, i.e., the group used to have a total of 3 members, but she later removed herself and blocked her talentless son entirely.) Ironically, it seems, Waka’s friends, fans, and family are not behind his new album, the sales of which may prompt Waka to reconsider what three F words he will be repeating in months to come.

But the complete failure to generate hype on Facebook is not where Waka finds himself facing potential legal trouble, which is more a result of the practices employed by his marketing firm, PeepDis Inc., which research shows is composed of a handful of ex-felons with no official work experience.

Promoting an album that is now almost certain to fail, the ad campaigns all feature a series of quotes from critics and entertainment magazines, ostensibly touting the album as a critically acclaimed masterpiece. But a quick Google search, or brief conversation with anyone who has heard parts of the CD, reveals that the consensus opinion is in fact unanimously negative. One would never imagine this on the basis of the campaign, which reels off quote after quote showering Waka Flocka’s Triple F Life with fantastic—and quite literally unbelievable—praises. One such ad ran in an Atlanta newspaper and read as follows:

“DA CRITICS IZ CRAZY BOUT WAKA’S NEW ALBUM, TRIPLE F LIFE: FRIENDS, FANS, AND FAMILY, COMING SOON IN 2012. SEE WHAT DEY SAYIN:

‘…literally could not conceive of a better album…’

—Rolling Stone

‘…easily, hands-down, the best rap album of all time…’

—XXL

‘…unprecedented…’

—The Source

‘…truly a work of profound…genius…’

—AllHipHop.com

‘…2 thumbs way up…’

—Ebert & Roper”

These supposedly glowing reviews, when read in their full, original, and intended context, reveal a jarring disparity between their real meaning and the implied meaning promulgated by Waka’s promotional team. Here is how these quotes originally appeared in the sources mentioned; you be the judge (the text omitted from Waka’s ads is highlighted in bold):

“I literally could not conceive of a better albumto inspire someone to go home and slit their wrists to mourn the death of art itself. The most horrendous excuse for music I have ever heard. Ever.”

—Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone

“If unoriginal content, recycled beats, half-assed effort, and no talent were the marks of a classic CD, this would be considered easily, hands-down, the best rap album of all time.”

—XXL

“Waka’s album is entirely deserving of its ‘Triple F’ moniker. Everything about it reeks of failure and epitomizes raw awfulness. The most pathetic attempt man has ever made in any age to art or cultured expression. In that sense, it’s certainly unprecedented.”

—The Source

“Truly a work of profound crap. Waka’s sheer stupidity is evident in every single line of every single song. At one point I just turned the album off when I realized he was making George W. look like a fucking genius.”

—AllHipHop.com

“Now, we don’t usually review music, but we made an exception for Waka Flocka Flame’s new album. We’d been hearing how dreadfully bad it was and decided to give it a listen, just for the heck of it…turns out that it was, in fact, god-awful. Our only comment on Triple F Life is that Waka must have had two thumbs way up his ass when he was recording it. Waka Flocka has done everything within his power to give momentum to the racist stereotype that black people are lazy, violent, stupid, drug dealers who offer nothing to society. For me, I can say with certainty that the album made me reconsider these stereotypes and become a racist again.”

—Ebert & Roeper

While Ebert & Roeper have faced their own backlash for the joint statement admitting to a reversion to racism, they have stood their ground and refused to retract their statement, saying they will only retract it if Waka Flocka retires from rapping, doesn’t release his new CD, is banned from the airwaves, and stops misusing their quote to make it seem like they support him.

For its part, the African-American community seems to support Ebert & Roeper. Said the influential Reverend Jesse Jackson “I have been a champion for civil rights my entire life. There is no goal more important to me than erasing the ugliness of racism entirely from the face of this earth. But it simply cannot be done if Wacka Flocka continues to perpetuate and encourage racist stereotypes. I’m confident that he is the sole reason racism still exists. Why do you think there are so many racists in the south?” asks Jackson, forcefully, tears swelling in his eyes. “It’s because of Waka.”

Rack City Contains Most Sexually-Active Grandmothers in World

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 23:26:32 -0400

Rack City, the sprawling metropolis recently made famous by Tyga in his hit song bearing the city’s name, was today revealed in the annual survey done by the Grandmother-Lover Institute of Gerontology and Sexuality as the best place in the world for grandmothers to “score that ass.”

“Indeed,” says the survey, “if your grandmother resides in Rack City, it’s not at all unlikely that, at this very moment, Tyga has her on his dick.”

The survey, of course, is referencing the line in Tyga’s ode to Rack City where the rapper proclaims “Got ya grandma on my dick/Girl you know what it is.”

Reports of missing grandmothers from across the nation are gradually being identified as cases where the grandmother in question picked up and moved to Rack City in hopes of sexually liberating herself. Often it is more obvious this has occurred when grandmothers take their husband’s Viagra with them, either so he won’t be able to use it with any other partners while they’re gone, or because they think it could be a useful aid for their own sexual partners in Rack City.

But Viagra, says a source with knowledge of the Rack City demographics, “probably ain’t necessary” for many in Rack City’s population. Rack City is composed almost entirely of rappers and their crews; specifically the rappers who have participated in some remix to the original Tyga song—rappers like Wale, Fabolous, Meek Mill, Young Jeezy, and TI, to name a few. The rest of the population is strictly grandmothers. This has sparked much outrage and violent protest from males in retirement homes across the country, with some of the racist undertones one is prone to expect from the elderly, out-of-touch, white, infertile, and overtly jealous male demographic—in other words, the dominant demographic of retirement homes.

“It’s them nigrahs!” exclaims 92 year old Gilbert Millstein of Tampa, Florida, whose wife disappeared after hearing “Rack City” on the radio for the first time a few days ago.

A group of elderly men whose wives have abandoned them for the City of Racks has banded together in an attempt to find the city, as it’s whereabouts are entirely unknown to the parts of the population that are not either elderly women or the typically younger rappers. However, these attempts have been utter failures, as elderly men are extremely forgetful, and often forget that their wives were even missing to begin with. Furthermore, some have become uncertain about what they would actually do, should they in fact discover the city’s whereabouts . “Well, I’d walk right in there and ask those jungle bunnies what they’d done with my sweet Esther,” says racist Old Man Gilbert. He then pauses and reconsiders for a moment. “Nah…nah, actually. I reckon I’d get my ass beat fer sayin’ somethin’ like that. Now that I think about it, it’s actually nicer without her here.”

Famed Economist: Recovery Being Driven by Money, Hoes, Clothes

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 18:05:00 -0400

In a rare shout-out to the hip-hop community, Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman wrote in a New York Times article on Sunday that the current economic recovery is primarily being fuelled by rappers “using their vast sums of wealth to buy clothes and reimburse hoes for various services they provide. Also, a large percentage of their income is being spent on bling, houses, automobiles, and automobile accessories…Rappers are horrible savers, presumably because they associate more money with more problems.” Krugman goes on to attribute the remarkable comeback of the auto industry and the stabilization of the housing markets entirely to “rappers and their fans.” Says Krugman, “without rap culture, it’s likely that America would be a third-world country right now; it’s even possible we would find ourselves in the midst of a second civil war. Instead of criticizing the culture of hip-hop, we should be thanking it. Holler.”

Late Brooklyn-born rap legend Biggie Smalls was even cited in the article directly. “As Biggie once said, money, hoes and clothes, blunt smoke comin’ out the nose—is all a nigga knows. We should be thankful that niggas know about these things; I think we could all stand to learn a little on the subjects.” Although Krugman goes on to clarify that the smoking of blunts, up 42% from last year, has had a minimal effect on the economy. “The smokage of blunts,” he says, “while it has fueled the tobacco industry to some extent, and while it has boosted the black market profits of many a marijuana dealer, has also spawned a remarkable drop in productivity. Anyone who has blazed a fatty and sat paralyzed on the couch for two and a half hours will readily testify to this.”

The article goes on to use a number of boring, indecipherable graphs that Krugman claims serve to support his thesis, although only four people in the world are presumed to be capable of understanding them. One of the bolder claims the article makes is that Obama’s 2009 economic stimulus package, while a good thing, is less responsible for the economic recovery than previously thought. The auto industry bailout didn’t hurt things either, but the reason American automakers are thriving again is because of a handful of rap stars with “racks on racks on racks.” Rack City, the metropolis where Tyga and a number of other rap artists now reside, is also mentioned as the epicenter of most of the recent economic growth.

Krugman is quick to point out that when he uses the term “recovery,” he does not mean the eponymous 2010 CD by the rapper Eminem—whom, incidentally, he cites as one of his idols—but rather an economic recovery. Krugman adds “Recovery did play a large role in the recovery, though. By the most conservative estimates, it helped to create 10 or 11 million jobs. Thank you, Mr. Mathers.”

Source: Kreayshawn Infected With Bieber Fever, Syphilis

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 22:42:00 -0500

RapNewz has learned from a source close to female West Coast rapper Kreayshawn that she has contacted an intense and incurable case of Bieber Fever, or biebphilius, the debilitating disease characterized by an unhealthy obsession with teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber. Also, she has syphilis and a slew of other disgusting, lifelong diseases.

Kreayshawn, who looks diseased, stormed upon the national music scene last May, with her song “Gucci Gucci.” The music video for “Gucci Gucci” became an overnight YouTube sensation, and now has upwards of 30 million views.

Now, Bieber Fever has been spreading for well over a year now, and if you’ve seen or heard Kreayshawn before, you may wonder how she came down with biebphilius. Biebphilius typically spreads amongst horny teenage girls who listen to Justin Bieber religiously, never miss an opportunity to see one of his shows, and frequently masturbate to pictures and YouTube videos with Bieber in them. It’s unlikely that Kreayshawn falls into this category, but one popular theory about how Kreayshawn could have gotten Bieber Fever is that she unknowingly had sex with someone who already had the disease. It’s entirely possible…likely, even, that Kreayshawn had sex with a teenage Justin Bieber fan with biebphilius, and that the disease was subsequently transmitted to Kreayshawn.

As for Syphilis, Kreayshawn’s fans have long speculated that the rapper is a haven for STD’s—in fact, some fans are so worried about this they rush up to her in the streets and ask how much longer she has to live. But, until today, Kreayshawn had not been known to have any STD’s, and for all we know, could have been perfectly healthy, despite her haggardly appearance.

It must be quite a blow to Kreayshawn and her millions of admiring fans, then, to learn that not only does she have Bieber Fever and Syphilis, but also Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Genital Warts, Hepatitis B, Crabs, Hepatitis C, Herpes, Hepatitis A, and is HIV positive.

We wish the best for Kreayshawn, who is the most infected and diseased woman we’ve ever heard of. Time will tell if Kreayshawn puts her rap career on pause to address these extremely serious health concerns, or if she will continue to perform, get tattoos, do excessive amounts of drugs, and fuck, spreading her myriad of diseases to unsuspecting sexual partners. If she chooses to ignore her health, it may only be a matter of months till we see her collapse mid-show, or die while having sex with one of her equally-diseased partners.

DJ Pauly D Signs With G Unit, Depresses Millions of Legitimate Artists

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 18:32:52 -0500

Jersey Shore guido and international punchline DJ Pauly D has officially signed a three album deal with 50 Cent’s G Unit label, in a move that has some worried that 50’s mental health may already be quickly deteriorating. The move—announced months ago but then thought to be a practical joke—has also disheartened millions of legitimate underground and quality artists, who largely view the signing as a pollution of the entire hip-hop culture and a massive step in the wrong direction for music as a whole, which of course, it is. As if The Situation needed to be aggravated any further, Pauly D will also be releasing his own line of headphones, and is set to have his own reality show, The Pauly D Project—which follows Pauly D around as he pursues his pathetic DJ career—debuting on MTV on March 29th. The reality show is perhaps the least surprising, though still horrifying, piece of Pauly D-related news. As RapNewz has previously reported, MTV is dedicated to preserving its reputation as a “haven and one-stop-shop for shit programming,” with a minimal focus on music. The station has shown repeatedly that if and when it does focus on music, its quality will be purely fecal as well. In this regard, MTV has outdone itself—DJ Pauly D’s first widely released single, entitled “Beat Dat Beat (It’s Time To),” was ranked number one on AOL’s list of the 100 Worst Songs Ever.

The flurry of publicity for the self-proclaimed “artist” has triggered a growing number of more talented and less appreciated DJ’s across the globe (there are many) to commit suicide. Sociologists are baffled by the troubling phenomenon, which is not organized or cult-like in nature, but rather the result of non-collaborating individuals reaching the decision to take their own lives independently, and solely because of Pauly D’s recent success and perceived popularity. “It is the largest uncoordinated mass suicide mankind has ever seen,” says one Oxford sociologist, adding, “and it does not appear to be over.”

In a similarly obvious attempt to further diminish rap’s already reeling image, Lil Wayne’s label, Young Money, has followed G Unit’s lead, announcing only weeks ago that it has signed the burnt out, unpopular, white trash “band” Limp Bizkit to a deal. So far there have only been a few dozen suicide notes citing Limp Bizkit’s signing as the embodiment of life’s meaninglessness, though more are sure to come.

**Disclaimer: RapNewz is not responsible for any readers that may themselves become profoundly depressed as a result of this information. We ask that you do not shoot the messenger, or yourself, for that matter**

Kanye Sues Law of Gravity, Claims it Always Holds Him Down

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 20:07:43 -0500

Kanye West has stayed more or less out of the news recently. Obviously, this is a repugnant and entirely unacceptable place for any egotist to stay, and as you may expect, the world’s largest egotist is no exception. West, who sources say “had not heard his name over the airwaves for nearly an entire day,” was so angry with his genius being ignored that he began “roaming around his mansion, hurling statues of himself at larger statues of himself,” says his surprisingly understandable, probably illegal housemaid, Manuela. This perceived dismissal by the media was, of course, entirely inaccurate (several interviews with Kanye, as well as the music video for Kanye & Jay-Z’s “Otis” were aired on BET the same hour he was launching mini-Kanyes at their larger, self-absorbed counterparts), a fact Manuela attributes to Kanye stubbornly and inexplicably insisting that the media was “composed of only NPR and the BBC,” both news stations with profoundly suburban, white audiences that have never once aired a piece on any hip-hop affair, ever.

This routine temper-tantrum would normally only be covered by RapNewz if there was absolutely nothing else transpiring in the hip-hop universe, or if Kanye called us and threatened to have our entire staff murdered and our offices burnt to the ground—a threat we typically expect and subsequently receive from him on Tuesday afternoons. This time, however, Kanyeezy took things a step further, massaging his ego by suing the law of gravity, which has generally been down-to-earth and has not had a single legal plaint filed against it since first being outlined by Sir Isaac Newton in 1687. This undeniable fact is exactly the aspect of gravity that Kanye takes issue with however, and he accuses the basic and essential law of nature of “lying low” for centuries, building up people’s trust and favorable disposition towards it in the process. In reality, Mr. West claims in the lawsuit, the law of gravity does nothing but hold people—the most important of whom he claims is, not surprisingly, Kanye himself—down.

Fans will note that however irrational and ignorant his lawsuit may be, both of which it most certainly is, it’s consistent with the philosophy he has espoused in previous works, most notably in the song “Spaceship,” off of his debut album The College Dropout, where the chorus voices his desire to buy himself a spaceship and “fly away.” Presumably Mr. West thinks such an action would defy gravity, although anyone with the limited mental prowess of an oxygen-deprived preemie could tell you decisively that such an assumption is tragically confused.

District Judge Matthew Samuels was seething with anger when RapNewz contacted him for more details on the case, which was dropped by the courts and labeled as frivolous literally the same minute that it was filed by the famous rapper/producer. Judge Samuels—who had previously threatened to retire and resume his former occupation of being an abusive drunkard if someone didn’t lose their job over Snoop Dogg’s lawsuit against Winnie the Pooh—was drinking heavily when we reached him over the phone, and he informed us that he had quit his job only hours earlier, upon news of Yeezy’s fantastical suit.

“I did not go to Harvard,” slurred Judge Samuels, almost incomprehensibly, “to hear lawsuits against fictional cartoon characters and unalterable facts of existence.” (Incidentally, Judge Samuels did not go to Harvard for anything; records indicate he matriculated at a little-known Montana state college.)

While Mr. West’s lawsuit may have been, legally speaking, an immediate and unprecedented failure, it seems that for him his actions were probably considered immensely successful, as all signs point to Mr. West’s only motivation being to generate attention and see his name in ink. Sources close to Kanye speculate that he has grown increasingly jealous of his longtime friend and fellow rapper Jay-Z, who has received a great deal of attention in the past several months following the birth of his and Beyonce’s first child, the multiplatinum, bestselling artist and newborn music phenom, Blue Ivy Carter.

MTV Rumored to Have Stood For “Music Television” at One Point

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 22:54:30 -0500

From time to time here at RapNewz we stumble upon a story so unbelievable and flabbergasting that our entire staff refuses to believe it. Oftentimes, this is a symptom of the story being a complete hoax, although that has never stopped us from publishing it as fact anyways. But when RapNewz stumbled upon this story (we use the phrase again because StumbleUpon is our primary resource for most of our material), we both A) did not believe it, and B) were able to confirm its veracity. This is a far rarer occurrence. (When we say we “confirmed its veracity,” we mean that one of our editors asked his Uncle Leon, who, when not confined to psych wards or yelling that he is a marshmallow, professes to be the world’s foremost expert on music).

What could possibly be such a uniquely shocking, yet true story? Well, yes, Snooki being pregnant is actually a prime example, but this site doesn’t take a stance on issues like abortion—which, by the way, she should definitely have if it’s not too late, and perhaps even then.

No, the startling piece of news we relay to our two faithful readers today is even more unbelievable than Snooki’s pregnancy—which we must emphasize is more depressing than unexpected, especially when you factor in how she freely markets her snatch to any guido with a pulse (nearly two-thirds of them have one) and how she lacks even the most basic and subtle hints of intelligence required to understand that birth control is meant to control (i.e. limit and altogether prevent) birth.

So what is this startling news? If you are prone to asthmatic attacks or seizures do not read on (RapNewz does not have access to legal counsel). The news is this: MTV, the very television channel that gave Snooki a platform on which to stumble her way to wholly undeserved fame, fortune, and an army of viable males to help her irreparably pollute the human gene pool, at one point stood for “Music Television.” In fact, confirms Uncle Leon, MTV still claims to stand for this very phrase, despite the fact that it has not aired a single music video in well over a decade.

Several very old people RapNewz has interviewed have even stated that they remember MTV airing these music videos quite frequently throughout its daily rotation back in the day. “Yeah, MTV had music videos on. All the time. That was the whole point of the channel,” says Richard Fillmore, who turns 50 this year and is therefore more closely resembles a human-like fossil than an actual living man. Fillmore recalls these music videos as routine until sometime in the 1990’s, when the channel decided that airing wildly popular music videos wasn’t really its thing, and slowly started integrating “shit” programming into the network’s rotation. Today, shit programming is all the network offers.

You can imagine RapNewz’s confusion and disbelief, then, when we discovered that MTV was once “Music Television.” And you can certainly understand how that moniker makes absolutely no sense today. In fact, most still believe that MTV, if it means anything at all, means something like “Mostly Tramp Vaginas,” because that’s the only truthful way MTV can describe its current state of shit programming accurately.

(Editor’s Note: If you can confirm MTV did and does stand for “Music Television,” please alert RapNewz immediately. Although we trust Uncle Leon would not lie to us, the fact that he believes himself to be a marshmallow is a cause for concern.)

Long-Awaited Hillary Clinton/Nicki Minaj Mixtape Leaks

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 20:20:05 -0500

**RapNewz would like to apologize in advance for the way this article is written. It was composed by a (very white) graduate student in Theology, who is entirely unfamiliar with rap music and whose favorite artists are Mozart and Alfred McNugent, some really boring violinist you should never try to look up. Trust us. Anyways, he is pathetically unfamiliar with modern rap lingo and was promptly fired after writing this piece. We’re not even sure how he got on the payroll to begin with. Please forgive his profound ignorance as you read this**

In a collaboration that almost everyone justifiably thought would never come to fruition, the Hillary Clinton/Nicki Minaj mixtape, Statin’ the Obvious, that at one time was almost certainly an unfounded rumor is now a legitimate reality. Not to mention a commercial success, and critically-acclaimed lyrical masterpiece.

“You know,” says DJ Premier, who sources tell me is the premier DJ in the rap game, “Nicki my shit but Hill mighta outdone her. Homegirl goes hammer on some of them beats, man.”

According to an entry on urbandictionary.com, what DJ Premier means to say is that Hillary “absolutely destroys” her opponent. Its etymology is presumably derived from the term “going ham,” the word “ham” being an acronym for the phrase “hard as a motherfucker.” No Latin root for the term could be found, despite the fact that Nicki Minaj has a song entitled Roman’s Revenge, and her upcoming album will be named Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded. (Sidenote: the ancient Romans spoke Latin, but are not thought to have had access to firearms that could be reloaded and subsequently re-fired.)

In other words, DJ Premier is lauding Hillary for her work on the project. He is saying that she is very capable. Other critics and fans agree.

Dwayne Johnson, a hip-hop fan who is unrelated to the WWE wrestler and aspiring actor “The Rock,” had this to say about Hillary’s skill set: “That bitch should just quit politics and get muff-deep in the rap game.” (“Muff” is apparently a slang word for “vagina,” which only complicates the matter of what Mr. Johnson means by his use of the term.)

The mixtape may be titled Statin’ the Obvious, but in fact it does nothing of the sort. No one understands the meaning of the title other than the fact that it is a poorly-constructed pun addressing Clinton’s current position as Secretary of State. Nonetheless, the fact that it has been received with such applause may have the former First Lady reconsidering her future in politics. She has already stated that she will not serve a second term in Obama’s cabinet should the president be re-elected in November. Some speculate that this signifies a change of career for Mrs. Clinton, who turns 65 in October. The speculation has risen because Clinton has been spending weeks in the studio instead of trying to ease tensions in Syria or attempting to address Iran’s development of nuclear weapons that may ultimately threaten to instigate a global nuclear apocalypse and the end of all mankind.

President Obama could not be reached for comment about his Secretary of State’s failure to do her job and prevent nuclear war, but White House Spokesman Jay Carney said via Chatroulette on Monday that the President “is very jealous of Hillary’s success. He is very happy for her, but very jealous. He is currently working hard in the studio on some dope tracks of his own to show that he too is…dope,” said Carney, in typically awkward and Caucasian fashion.

The President’s upcoming mixtape, which is reportedly titled State of Da Gooniun, is seen by political analysts as an attempt to regain his support in the African-American community, where polls have his popularity rating at an all-time low of just 97%.

Above: The cover for Obama’s upcoming mixtape, “State of the Gooniun”

The bootylicious Nicki Minaj, who sometimes calls herself Nicki Lewinski, has said that the mixtape is a response to the Mitt Romney/Lil B mixtape, and that she hopes to continue working with Secretary Clinton in the future. “That’s my main bitch right there,” she said.

Wiz Khalifa Takes Back Wedding Ring: “I Meant To Propose To A Fat Sack Of Weed”

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 20:56:53 -0500

Wiz Khalifa made headlines recently as he reportedly proposed to his girlfriend Amber Rose, the gorgeous and voluptuous young model—who only a few years ago was suffering from such a lack of self-esteem that she dated famed egotist and Hall-of-Fame-asshole Kanye West. (The model has since clarified that at that time, she was only trying to absorb some of Ye’s narcissism in order to appreciate how awesome she really was.) But there came some bad news for Amber Rose today, as RapNewz’s Romance correspondent Broke N. Hart reports that Ms. Rose will likely spiral back into a severe and unending abyss of depression in light of the recent revelation that Wiz didn’t actually mean to propose to her and has no interest in tying the knot—at least with any person.

Reached through Twitter, Khalifa’s agent told RapNewz that Wiz was “a little more stoned than usual,” when he presented the ring to Amber, and that he actually meant to propose to a large stash of marijuana he had bulging out of his right pocket. “He was inspired by Dave Chappelle and really the entire plot of Half Baked, except for the part of the plot where the dude quits smoking bud at the end. Really he was only inspired by the part where homeboy gets all romantic with a sack of weed,” his agent explained. “I mean, to be honest, Wiz said it could have been Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle he was thinking of, but either way, the bottom line is that he wants the ring back. He’s in love with someone…er…something else. Which is weed,” his agent clarified for the thousandth time.

Reaching Ms. Rose for comment on the phone, it was difficult to decipher what she wanted to say amidst all the hysterical sobbing and the occasional string of curse words. A call to Wiz, on the other hand, went directly to his voicemail, where an elated-sounding Khalifa can be heard harmonizing about his upcoming honeymoon in Jamaica, chuckling, and bragging about how he is “gonna be hittin’ that allll day. That loud.”

Said one psychologist “It’s clear to me that Mr. Khalifa is no longer able to distinguish animate from inanimate, living from nonliving” any longer. “It’s a good thing that by this point he probably has a sperm count—if he has one at all—so low that he’s incapable of producing any offspring, though I don’t think he has to worry about that if he tries anything with a plant, be it cannabis or any other type of flora, for that matter.” Asked to elaborate on the mental state of the rapper, the doctor simply said “Mental state? There is not one. His mental capabilities are now on par with those of the average beetle. It’s a miracle he can even control his bodily functions.”

The news of Wiz Khalifa’s confusion continues a disturbing trend amongst modern hip-hop stars, namely the trend of becoming more and more profoundly stupid. See RapNewz’s article about Lil Wayne’s recent collaboration with a fish for another recent instance of this troubling phenomenon.

Snoop Dogg Tries Suing Winnie the Pooh, Calls Him A “Mark-Ass Bear”

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 15:06:11 -0500

Rapper Snoop Dogg has attempted to sue the fictional and undeniably adorable cartoon character Winnie the Pooh over what he claims to be copyright infringement and “for being another weak nigga in the game trying to copy my style,” the latter of which is not even a crime, reports RapNewz’s legal correspondent, Da Glove Don’t Fit.

The suit was dropped by the courts in record time, within minutes of its filing. District Judge Matthew Samuels had this to say about the suit: “Personally, spending a single moment—and by ‘moment’ I mean literally, the smallest comprehensible millisecond of time—on dealing with a case like this is immensely depressing. The fact that Mr. Dogg was even able to file this suit when he named the defendant as ‘W.T. Pooh (the mark-ass cartoon bear)’ is incomprehensible. Someone will lose their job for this. Someone will lose their job or I’m retiring from the profession. This makes me want to start drinking again.”

The beef between the fictional character and the rapper—whose own name comes from the cartoon character Snoopy, of Peanuts fame—reportedly arose when Snoop was wistfully searching his own name on the internet and discovered a YouTube music video of entitled “Gin & Juice—Pooh Bear Remix.”

Snoop Dogg’s attorney was livid when explaining the video’s content: “The music video shows Pooh’s crew living it up in Ashdown Forest, doing their same old lame-ass children’s story shit…but this time they’re doing their own version of Snoop Dogg’s classic ‘Gin & Juice.’ It’s disgusting.”

What was so disgusting about the video is unclear to the larger public, as the video has become a viral sensation, with over 20,000 “likes” and only a single “dislike.” Presumably the beef arose because Snoop wanted royalties for the use of the instrumental and for the chorus, obviously playing off the lyrics of Snoop Dogg’s most famous anthem. The chorus of the Pooh Bear remix goes:

“Chillin in the tree, with my friends yo, honey I won’t lend to you—

Laid back…

With my mind on my honey and my honey on my mind.”

Snoop Dogg has vowed to appeal the court’s decision, although he has been reminded that appealing a dropped case is legally impossible and has been warned that he will be fined if he files another outwardly frivolous lawsuit. The rapper is also reportedly working feverishly on a cartoon series mocking Pooh, Eeyore, Tigger, Piglet, and the other characters, in what most are considering to be a desperate attempt to seek revenge on an imaginary entity, who therefore cannot be reprimanded by Snoop’s usual means, i.e., stealing the bear’s chain or performing a drive-by on his residence within a massive fictional tree.

Lil Wayne Releases Song With A Fish

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 20:24:56 -0500

Upon realizing that he has collaborated with every living musical artist the human species has to offer, Lil Wayne has decided to break new ground by reaching out to other species in search of new collaborators. On a recent trip to the Bahamas, Lil Wayne reportedly had an epiphany when he was scuba diving and noticed a fish that appeared to be rapping to him while breathing normally, as all fish do, through their gills. No word yet on what laundry list of drugs Wayne was on at the time, though marijuana and the codeine-laced drink known on the streets as “sizzurp” were almost certainly in his bloodstream and could have triggered what some speculate was a hallucination, or perhaps simply an extremely stupid, drug-induced conclusion.

Weezy told a RapNewz source that as soon as he saw the fish, he motioned for the creature to follow him up to his boat, where the unsuspecting animal was scooped up (presumably without its written legal consent or the consent of a family member) and plopped into a spare fish tank aboard the rapper’s vessel. Famous for being a workaholic, Lil Wayne demanded they record a song on the spot; he and the unsuspecting fish immediately spent several hours in the recording studio on Wayne’s yacht, where they recorded the brand-new Top 40 banger “Go Fish,” by Lil Wayne featuring Lil Fishy.

If you haven’t already heard the song—which is doubtful, as the music video has already gotten 250 million hits on YouTube—it has critics abuzz about just who Lil Fishy is, where he grew up, and why he hadn’t been previously discovered. His two verses are being compared to Eminem’s iconic verses in the Jay-Z song “Renegade,” where Eminem famously rapped circles around the legendary Jiggaman on his own track.

“Lil Fishy kills it in that song, man. He’s about to blow up, his shit hot, man” said Marquis Mitchell, a passerby on the New York subway that offered his unsolicited opinion about Lil Fishy to RapNewz correspondent Terrence McGoo as he was innocently listening to “Go Fish” on his iPod. Marquis, though unbearably nosy and unaware of social norms, does have a point. Consider for yourself some quotes from the song. You be the judge of the lyrical content:

Lil Wayne:

Fishy on the track, people sayin that it’s wrong/

Well I ain’t callin in a threat but Lil Fishy is the bomb/

Got a nigga constipated, (chuckles) that’s why I’m sayin’ “no shit”/

I keep a 9 on me—ask for a Queen I’m sayin’ “go fish”

Lil Fishy:

*bubble* *gills open and close*/

*bubble* *gills open and close* *stares blankly at the coral in his tank*/

*bubble* *generic aquatic sounds*/

*bubble* *tries to eat a pebble on the floor of his tank*/

It doesn’t take a genius to see that Lil Fishy is already lyrically above and beyond the majority of rappers on the scene today. Gucci Mane and Soulja Boy (recently deprived of his much-beloved swag) have already come out and admitted that Lil Fishy has done more for the future of rap in two verses than they have in their entire careers. As one sushi chef told RapNewz, “that boy raw.”

Lil Fishy could not be reached for comment on the topic of his overnight success, but his agent Rob Schneider has told us that a bidding war is underway between YMCMB and several other prominent and largely talentless labels to sign the artist to a multi-album contract. Rumor has it that a script is already being written chronicling Lil Fishy’s tough upbringing and rapid rise to fame, and he was recently spotted swimming with Eva Longoria in a fish tank at an upscale L.A. nightclub. There’s no telling what might lie in the young fish’s future.

As Wayne himself might say, “the sky is the limit” for Lil Fishy. Check back for more updates and new songs released by the underwater phenomenon as they become available.

Eminem Disturbed by Reaction to Yelawolf Signing

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 17:18:34 -0500

Veteran rapper Eminem expressed disbelief and some uncharacteristic anger yesterday, lashing out at those who say Shady Records’ 2011 signing of the Alabama rapper Yelawolf is an obvious and desperate effort to replace Eminem once he becomes too old and repetitive to be cool.

“We aren’t similar in any way, that’s absolutely fucking ridiculous,” said Eminem, who also made news recently when he announced that he has started to give a fuck about things.

When informed that Yelawolf was A) a rapper, B) white, C) a self-identified product of the trailer park, and D) intriguingly similar stylistically, Eminem seemed genuinely taken aback, which is reportedly a telltale sign of caring about something.

“Raúl!” he yelled, summoning a minion asleep at his desk in the Detroit office of Shady Records. “Raúl, wake your ass up! You told me Yela was a black dude!”

“No, señor, I…” a startled Raúl began, wiping his uncomprehending eyes.

“You said he was like the next Cee-Lo Green or E-40 or something, remember?”

It’s unclear whether Raúl comprehends English.

“He doesn’t talk much,” Eminem explains, glancing coldly in Raúl’s direction. Raúl shrugs, quite obviously unable to understand a single English word, much less strings of them that are often dozens of words consecutively.

By this point Em had become even more visibly irritated and had begun to elaborate on the Yelawolf signing fiasco and the revelation about Yela being indisputable and self-proclaimed white trash. Unfortunately, RapNewz was unable get further clarification on the matter, as U.S. immigration officials rudely interrupted our interview, bursting into the room, shouting and waving automatic weapons. Ground forces rushed the scene in the conventional fashion—by foot, making use of doors, conveniently designed for the sole purpose of letting people in and out—and by air, as the aerial backup team arrived through a gaping hole in the ceiling, freshly blasted so the several dozen heavily-armed agents could repel down the walls and terrify Raúl, who at this point was beginning to understand the negative body language of the officials he found swarming and handcuffing him.

The Yelawolf story is still developing, but it’s possible that there could be no further word on the matter until Eminem is released from the secret location where he is being interrogated and presumably waterboarded for the suspicion of illegally employing an illegal alien, despite the fact that Raúl was an unpaid intern. As for Raúl himself, he is missing and presumed dead.

Reports: Soulja Boy Unable to Turn Swag Back On

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 18:39:05 -0500

The twittiverse is abuzz today with rumors that Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em has misplaced his Swag Switch, and as a result is doomed to live out the rest of his life devoid of swag at all times. The reports are unconfirmed, but RapNewz is more than willing to report the claims as if they were fact, because the media does that all the fucking time. (Also, RapNewz correspondent Lil’ Lincoln swears on the lives of his children—he has good reason to believe he’s fathered several dozen of them over the years—that he has spoken to several reliable sources on the matter.)

If true, this would deal a crippling blow to Soulja Boy’s career, as swag is considered an essential element of any successful rapper. Details are still hazy, but the tragic loss of his Swag Switch is discussed in a police report filed by DeAndre Cortez Way, the swagless name of the artist formerly known as Soulja Boy. Below are excerpts from the police report:

So I was going to perform at this house party. What I did when I arrived at the locale was I A) hopped up out the Benz, B) (promptly, might I add) turned my swag on, C) found the nearest mirror in the residence and looked at myself in it, to say “wassup.” Later that night, after performing, I must admit that I was quite inebriated. I turned my swag off, as I always do, before going to sleep, because as everyone knows swag must be conserved for times when it is more useful. Anyhow, in my confused state of mind I must have left my Swag Switch in another room—I certainly failed to lodge it in the secret pockets I have stitched into my nightgown, solely for Swag Switch storage. When I awoke in the morning and searched the house for my Swag Switch, it was gone, and I was unable to turn my swag back on…This is my current predicament, and it is highly unpleasant, as I’m sure you have surmised.

Fans who have read the aforementioned police report have been appalled by Soulja Boy’s flagrantly swagless rhetoric, in which he uses proper English and does not misspell a single word. The Swag Switch is lost and presumed stolen. If you or anyone you know notices anyone displaying an unusual amount of swag, it could be because they have hijacked Soulja Boy’s Swag Switch. It is requested that anyone with such grave suspicions report them to Soulja Boy’s agent, Mike Jones, reachable at 281-330-8004. It is also requested that in doing so you hit him up “on the low,” as he is “about to blow,” though it is unclear what the fuck that actually means.

Dr. Dre Says He Was Just Kidding About Detox

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 18:08:10 -0500

In a statement on Wednesday that has many devoted hip-hop fans up in arms, Dr. Dre announced that the much-anticipated album Detox, which has infamously been “in production” for over a decade, was never really going to be released in the first place.

Referring to the album as “an April Fool’s joke that got really, really fucked up,” Dre explained that the initial public reaction to his announcement back in Spring of 2000 was so overwhelmingly positive and encouraging that he didn’t have the heart to break the news to his fans. So he let the joke play out over the course of 12 more years, in order to soften the blow. “I can’t believe y’all thought I was for real,” began Dre, chucking nervously in front of a quiet, angry room of hip-hop reporters. “Now, I am a doctor,” continued Dr. Dre, who holds only a high school diploma and has earned no collegiate degree whatsoever, far less one that would allow him to practice any sort of medicine or therapy legally. “And since I am a doctor,” he continues, with a straight face, “I can fix this whole misunderstanding.”

RapNewz’s Terrence McGoo questioned Dre about whether the Detox saga was really a “misunderstanding” in the true sense of the word, or if it was more “you generating and actively perpetuating a rumor for 12 years about something you knew to be untrue and could have easily put to rest in a single sentence the day after you announced it. Easily.”

Dr. Dre responded to the straightforward and legitimate inquiry with an evasive, convoluted reply on the level of a tactful politician or shady ShamWow salesperson. “There will be a brief podcast up later on my website that addresses the issue further. It can be heard with any headphones in my Beats by Dr. Dre line, retailing for as little as $400. Be careful not to turn the bass up too loud though, those things bump, lemme tell ya!” said Dre, sipping a Dr. Pepper and winking at no one in particular.

For those who wish to hear the podcast, this time he was not fooling around—you must have Beats headphones, and they must cost a minimum of $400. Attempts to listen without headphones or with any other sort of device automatically re-direct the user to a page on BestBuy’s website, where you’re able to secure a loan or even re-finance your home in order to purchase a pair of Beats headphones—one of which is in fact named Detox—retailing for “only $4200.”