Rap Newz

Bringing you all the shocking, definitely real news in the world of hip-hop

Scientists: Drake is Softest Material in Known Universe

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Aubrey Drake Graham, 27, better known by his stage name “Drake,” is more than just a record-setting hip-hop artist with a penchant for catchy hooks. He is also composed entirely of the softest material in the known universe, according to scientists at the University of Toronto-Scarborough.

“It’s absolutely incredible,” said Dr. Edward Finkelstein, his eyes twinkling with excitement. “Aubrey just came in here for a routine cleansing of his delicate vagina, when he began to weep a little harder than usual.”

“We went ahead and ran some tests on the little guy, and it turns out he’s in a league of his own. Aubrey is made of a previously unknown element that is literally softer than anything you can imagine: a baby’s bottom, a fluffy pillow, Play-Doh, ice cream – you name it, Drake’s softer! I’ll put it this way: as far as hardness goes, Aubrey is to a normal human being what Jell-O is to a diamond.” It was a damning comparison. Jell-O is much, much softer than a diamond.

RapNewz was stunned to hear the news, but being the exclusive source on this remarkable discovery, we felt a responsibility to dig deeper: How is Drake able to function if he is so utterly fragile that simply sleeping on a pillow poses an existential threat?

“We wondered the same thing,” said Dr. Finkelstein. “At first we were shocked he made it past infancy…we thought of Drake as a water balloon in an outside world composed entirely of Punji sticks and acupuncture needles: destined to pop eventually. Only later did we discover that Aubrey produces abnormally high amounts of estrogen, which in turn chemically reacts with his body to make him slightly more firm. We don’t quite understand it, but it explains why he’s so fucking emotional, it explains the incessant crying, and, you know, the whole vagina thing.”

Adds Dr. Finkelstein, “So when Aubrey says he ‘started from the bottom,’ we understand what he means. He’s talking about Rockwell’s hardness scale.” RapNewz asked where he was on the hardness scale today. “Now he’s here,” said the professor, pointing to the bottom. “Same place he began.”

Soulja Boy Loses Freestyle Battle To A Carrot

23-year-old rapper DeAndre Cortez Way, better known by his stage name Soulja Boy, suffered a devastating blow to his already-questionable reputation this week, after a video surfaced appearing to show the rapper decisively losing a freestyle battle to a carrot.

The embarrassing footage, which first appeared on Worldstarhiphop.com on Tuesday, appears to show Soulja Boy challenging a carrot to a rap battle and then losing miserably and conclusively. In the video, an inebriated Soulja Boy – who hasn’t put out a song anyone gives a shit about since 2008 – is shown approaching the carrot in a dimly-lit alleyway. It is unclear why the confrontation was filmed or what the rapper hoped to gain from the encounter.

Several other carrots, along with two beets and one potato, surround the Vitamin A-rich vegetable that Soulja Boy singled out. To any normal human being, the curious assemblage of discarded food looked like a spot where someone had accidentally spilled some groceries. To Soulja Boy – who famously and tragically lost the ability to turn his swag back on in 2012 – it looked like a prime opportunity to showcase his nonexistent skill set.

When only several feet separate the fallen food items and the talentless rapper, Soulja Boy makes the first move. Facing his orange nemesis, Soulja Boy yells: “Bet you won’t!” an exceptionally vague phrase apparently meant as a challenge. The posse of veggies remains motionless and silent – an ancient pastime of lifeless objects. The pacifism only serves to enrage the rapper. “Aww shit, it’s on naoh!” Soulja Boy yells, stomping towards the group of inanimate edibles as if he were King Kong trying to register his force on the Richter scale. “Get that nigga, son!” yells an unidentified male in the rapper’s posse. “I think homeboy carrot wants a battle!” another off-camera voice exclaims. Improvised beatboxing begins. “Aight,” the rapper begins, “it’s a battle.”

The freestyle that follows seems to go south before it begins. The first bars of Soulja Boy’s rap are as follows:

Carrots tryna flex but they got no muscle/

Stick one carrot in my ass, better make that shit a double/

The beatboxing suddenly stops. The veil is slowly being lifted for Soulja Boy’s crew, who begins to suspect that their leader isn’t entirely well. “What?” says one voice behind the camera. Soulja Boy immediately realizes his unforced error, and shoots a panicked look back at the camera. “Holdup. I mean,”

Carrots got swagga out the ass…but I don’t/

I think it’s cuz I stick em in my ass – wait, no! wait no!

By the end of Soulja Boy’s last line the camera view has become a chaotic, upside-down whirlwind of indecipherable alleyway imagery. Heavy breathing and the sound of people running away from the scene is all we hear as Soulja Boy’s posse apparently abandons him with extreme haste.

While two beets and one potato were found at the scene the proximate day, no carrots were ever recovered. 

Obama’s “Turn Down For Physics” Education Campaign A Massive Failure

Whether you agree with his politics or not, few people doubt that Barack Obama is a goal-setter: a man of actions, will, and determination. I mean, come on, he’s the first black president, after all! When he wants something done, he figures out how to do it and he does it. Ask Osama bin Laden. A two-time Ivy-League graduate blessed with debate skills that are legally considered deadly weapons, Obama’s no dummy, either.

And yet, on Tuesday, the President did something so wholeheartedly moronic we here at RapNewz are formally endorsing his impeachment. Mr. Obama, in an effort to get America’s youth jazzed up about science, held a rally at Woodrow Wilson High School in Washington, D.C., called “Turn Down For Physics.”

That’s right. It was called “Turn Down For Physics.”

Obama, under the pitiful delusion that the title was clever and hip merely because it referenced the DJ Snake/Lil Jon club banger “Turn Down For What,” was trying to jump-start a revolution in American academics that re-emphasized science and math as the exciting, job-creating fields of the future. But the second-term President – who can write a bill and finish The New York Times crossword before he’s done with breakfast – failed to understand the fundamental connotation of “turning down.” The fundamental connotation of “turning down,” Mr. President, is, quite simply, “not something that is cool to do,” for future reference. I mean, fuck. It’s pretty simple.

Obama also arrogantly assumed that the Woodrow Wilson High School students would want to attend the rally regardless of subject matter, simply to glimpse what a big-swinging-dick he was. Thus, out of hubris, he allowed attendance at the “Turn Down For Physics” rally on Tuesday to be voluntary. These kids live in D.C., Mr. President. They see you all the fucking time. I mean, just last week you stopped by the school to promote some lame-ass hip-hop artist called “Mathta P,” who rapped about algebra and the real-world applications of geometry for two full hours. Have you suffered a complete mental breakdown?

Mental breakdown or not, the dumb-as-fuck event name coupled with Mr. Obama’s desperate attempts to be cool and the voluntary attendance policy combined to create one of the saddest moments in Obama’s political career, and perhaps life. During second period on Tuesday, the most powerful man in the world stood awkwardly on a poorly crafted podium at the 50-yard line of a high school football field, speaking to empty bleachers about the mysteries of black holes and the wonderful world of dark matter. A single member of the media, RapNewz correspondent Blaze Treeze, managed to make it to the event, but only after we threatened to fire him if he refused to go. There he witnessed the dejected President walk off the stage after a rambling 10-minute speech in which he promised to tell those in the nonexistent audience what they would turn down for.  

“Is it physics?” asked Blaze, as Mr. Obama sauntered down a creaky set of wooden stairs made in a 10th grade arts and crafts class just hours before.

The President glared at our correspondent is if he had just insulted the chief of his Kenyan tribe. “Fuck you,” he said, and then stormed off into his helicopter.

Next time you want to talk about physics, Mr. President, have it look more like this. 

Poll: Chris Brown Slightly Less Popular Than Hitler

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A poll of 100 esteemed world historians revealed that pop sensation, woman-beater, and full-time asshole Chris Brown, as it stands today, is a slightly less popular historical figure than Adolph Hitler. The last time Hitler – the maniacal dictator of Nazi Germany, responsible for the deaths of more than 11 million Jews and other oppressed minorities – wasn’t the most unpopular man in all of history was in 1998, when Carrot Top claimed the top spot.

RapNewz spoke to one of the historians surveyed in the poll, who wished to remain anonymous. “Listen, Chris Brown’s a very talented guy, don’t get me wrong: He can sing, he can dance, and he can beat the fuck out of a woman with the best of ‘em. As a matter of fact, he’s my neighbor, and I must’ve seen him beat the shit out of a couple dozen women in the last week alone. He’s got a helluva backhand…it’s remarkable how fucking stupid and terrible he is, but hey, that’s Chris. He’s just the worst. ”

We here at RapNewz wholeheartedly agree that Chris Brown is the scum of the earth. We can’t deny that the world would be a better place if he died of Ebola tomorrow and rotted in Hell with a dick in his mouth for all eternity…but wasn’t Hitler worse?

“Oh, yes, far worse,” the historian continued. “Any man who can summon such hate as to attempt genocide while trying to take over the world has gotta be one of the worst humans beings to ever grace the planet.”

“But remember, it came down to the issue of popularity: Who would you rather have over for barbeque and a beer? We’re historians, for Christ’s sake! We’d love to have Hitler over to a cookout and pick his mentally ill brain. As for Chris Brown, we know everything there is to know about him: he’s a prodigal dancer, singer, and pop icon whose mother should have had an abortion or tossed him in a trash compactor. No thanks, Chris, I think we’ll ring up Hitler for BBQ and beers if given the choice.”

NASA: Lil Wayne’s Brain Damage Visible From Space

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NASA declassified several shocking documents today that could have profound implications in the fields of radioactivity, drug use, disease, and the rap game. The commander of the International Space Station, American astronaut Steve Swanson, was analyzing a scan of the Earth’s surface for abnormal radioactive readings several weeks ago when he noticed an anomaly he’d never seen before. Swanson describes his discovery in the 89-page incident report:

“I noticed a strong and highly unusual radioactive signal emitting from New Orleans, Louisiana. At first I was worried that some sort of unregistered plutonium had been smuggled into the country, but when I examined the readings in a time-lapse I noticed an odd pattern: the radioactive agent was travelling all over the U.S., making stops in Tampa Bay, Kansas City, L.A., New York, and other major cities. When I began looking back on old data, I noticed that in 2010 the signal remained dormant for eight consecutive months on Rikers Island.”

Swanson goes on to say that

“I was forced to conclude that the reading corresponded to an individual, and from my personal knowledge of Weezy, his tour dates, and his personal travails, I relayed to NASA my suspicion that Lil Wayne was a highly radioactive national security risk.”

Later in the files NASA corroborates Mr. Swanson’s suspicions:

“We apprehended Weezy F Baby – the ‘F’ standing for different words at different stages in the rapper’s career – at a traphouse in New Orleans. Communicating with the subject was not easy, as he was highly intoxicated, nearly unintelligible, and speaking in only metaphors and similes. After bringing in a translator, Mr. Weezy agreed to be taken to a hospital, where he was thoroughly studied by medical professionals. Their conclusion was that the rapper known as Lil Wayne has suffered profound brain damage brought about primarily by his codeine use, although his proximity to chemicals involved in the manufacture of crack is also potentially a cause.”

The final pages of the report conclude that Lil Wayne is so severely brain damaged that his impairment is visible from space, perhaps even to alien life outside the Milky Way Galaxy.

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An image of the distraught astronaut who made the discovery sits above. Commander Steve Swanson sums up the situation with a hint of remorse. “There were warning signs. When Young Money signed Lil Chuckee and Lil Twist, I thought something was wrong. Not long after that, Tha Carter IV happened. I cried that day. I wept in space. To know that he’s going ahead with plans for Tha Carter V – it breaks my heart. His poor brain must be fried to a crisp. Have mercy on him, Birdman. He’s a simple man. Don’t let him embarrass himself any further, I beg you. Let his talentless brain decay in peace.”

Exclusive Screenshot of Kanye West Facebook Post

Through hard work and many tedious hours of investigative journalism, we here at RapNewz have procured a coveted piece of pop culture history: a screenshot in which Kanye West cannot contain his excitement about how “fat” Kim Kardashian’s ass is. Enjoy!

(Note: while the link may imply this is a fake conversation, we assure you, it is not. Trust us!)

http://fakeconvos.com/view.php?id=54438

Rap Newz Considering A Comeback, Only if it Doesn’t Turn Out Like Mase’s

We here at Rap Newz are mulling a re-entry into the rap satire news reporting game.

Upon taking a step back, we’ve observed that:

A) The competition is extremely uninterested in competing, “probably because Rap Newz is the fuckin’ shit,” our marketing team told us,

B) There is waaaaay too much shit going on right now in the world of hip hop that deserves to be more fully ridiculed and is not, and

C) If we ever do come back, we will probably use the title “Don’t Call it A Comeback,” because LL Cool J is an absolute boss, and for no other reason. We will then proceed to detail a few not-so-awesome comebacks that the rap game has witnessed over the years. In fact, Vanilla Ice may be in the midst of one right now (but let’s hope not). 

We’ll keep you posted. Thanks for all your support, and feel free to message us with suggestions, sentiments, or opinions about whether you could use some Rap Newz in your life or whether we should all keep our day jobs, which we assure you are all highly profitable and not at all involved in trying to get you 100k followers on Twitter in 6 days.

Cheers!

Feline Community Outraged Over Popularity of YOLO Phrase

Cats everywhere are up in paws about the Drake/Lil Wayne song “The Motto,” which has served to popularize the term YOLO, an acronym for the truism “You Only Live Once.” Clearly the grounds for their objection here stem from the oft-repeated claim that cats have nine lives.

The criticism in response to the feline outcry is that, outside of a cat’s basic needs—food, shelter, and a halfway decent litterbox—it’s absurd to give a voice to the demands and concerns of these household pets, as they contribute nothing to society and thus should have no role in critiquing it. Additionally, when it comes to issues of culture—so the argument goes—there is little to no reason to believe that cats are capable of understanding them at all. We here at RapNewz are not convinced one way or another. To help us wrap our minds around this complex and contentious issue, we approached one of the world’s foremost neuroscientists, and engaged in a series of correspondences with him via email.

“Is that a serious question?” was his first reply. “Of course cats can’t take issues on controversial phrases or form coherent opinions. Even if they could, they couldn’t voice them. They’re fucking cats, you realize that right? They eat and sleep and shit and drag dead mice into your house and are generally just little furry assholes.” Valid points all, we replied, but how would the neuroscientist respond if he knew that RapNewz had spoken with the world’s most highly respected cat-whisperer, who told RapNewz that cats across the globe are royally pissed off about the YOLO issue? Surely he would not challenge the authority of another professional—or would he?

“Toss a cat in a blender and see how many lives it has,” retorted the cranky neuroscientist. “I don’t have time for this.”

Ever hoping to fulfill our duty as unbiased journalists, sticking to nothing but the facts, we took him up on the challenge, packing a stray kitten we found roaming through the garbage outside into the company blender.

Contrary to what you would expect, the kitten did not spontaneously regenerate after a thorough blending. Touche, neuroscientist.

When we contacted the cat-whisperer to report the results, she was defiant. “That proves nothing,” she said, raising a point that we had not yet considered, “how do you know that you experimented on a cat that had not already lost eight lives?” How indeed. It looks like RapNewz will have to repeat the experiment again, this time using a newborn kitten to be sure that no lives have already been expended. Only then will we know whether the feline outrage over the YOLO phrase rings hollow. Stay tuned for updates, and please contact us if you find yourself with some extra kittens you wish to unload.  

Kanye Boldly Asserts That Shit is Cray, Requests Confirmation From Jay

Anonymous members of Kanye’s camp have verified that Kanye is extremely curious as to whether that shit “is or is not cray.” Mr. West has reportedly posed the question to Jay-Z, whom he believes may be able to shed some light on the situation. Hov has not yet answered the query. We should clarify to begin with that Jigga’s silence on the matter should not be construed as negative or as an offense to Mr. West; many think that Jay-Z is simply taking the time to research the question before providing an informed opinion. After all, it is a pressing question, and levels of crayness should never be responded to in haste.

As if this task were not already difficult enough, Kanye’s unquenchable curiosity does not end there. He also asks—to no one in particular, we might add—what dish “she” ordered, although the female he is referencing, as well as the location and details of this particular dining experience, are left unspecified. For what it’s worth, the rapper has openly postulated that he believes the likely dish was “fish fillet.”

Yeezyologist Eunice Badonk is on a team of researchers working night and day to find answers to these questions. “It’s extremely frustrating,” says Dr. Badonk, “because he just openly poses these questions, and expects there to be answers to them immediately. That’s not how it works. People have devoted their lives to questions like these and died unsatisfied. Just because you’re famous doesn’t mean you’re privileged to the answers to some of life’s most important and timeless questions.” Dr. Badonk, who earned her graduate degree in Kanyeegotism at the University of Phoenix two years ago, has spent endless hours in the lab poring over a wide array of specimens, some of which she cannot discuss because they are sensitive to national security issues. Although she is a workhorse, she admits that she is beginning to find it difficult to keep up the pace demanded by her research. “I haven’t had a wink of sleep in more than two weeks,” says a zombie-esque Badonk. “We got a huge shipment of shit from the Pentagon that we believe could have some cray in it, and since then things have just been insane.”

That said, the tireless work of Dr. Badonk and her team of Yeezyologists may be starting to pay off. Says the doctor, with a noticeable sigh of relief, “We believe we are close to finding out what she ordered, and as it stands now it looks like it most probably was fish fillet, although don’t quote me on that, whatever you do. Definitely do not quote me. Because,” she concludes, rolling her eyes, perhaps involuntarily due to unprecedented levels of sleep deprivation, “there’s a small chance that it could have been macaroni.” 

ohgodwhydoihaveatumblr asked: Any news on the revival of Mac Dre and the Hyphy Movement?

Drake’s “Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’ma do it for the bay, okay” is the greatest injection of life that movement has received in years. Unless E-40 suddenly gets popular again and starts going hyphy on everyone’s asses. Which…I’m “sayin there’s a chance”…but with Dumb & Dumber-like odds. 

"Yes! THIS is the man who will restore the bay area to greatness once again, it HAS to be!"

No, I’m afraid we have entered the age of the basedgod.