Aubrey Drake Graham, 27, better known by his stage name “Drake,” is more than just a record-setting hip-hop artist with a penchant for catchy hooks. He is also composed entirely of the softest material in the known universe, according to scientists at the University of Toronto-Scarborough.
“It’s absolutely incredible,” said Dr. Edward Finkelstein, his eyes twinkling with excitement. “Aubrey just came in here for a routine cleansing of his delicate vagina, when he began to weep a little harder than usual.”
“We went ahead and ran some tests on the little guy, and it turns out he’s in a league of his own. Aubrey is made of a previously unknown element that is literally softer than anything you can imagine: a baby’s bottom, a fluffy pillow, Play-Doh, ice cream – you name it, Drake’s softer! I’ll put it this way: as far as hardness goes, Aubrey is to a normal human being what Jell-O is to a diamond.” It was a damning comparison. Jell-O is much, much softer than a diamond.
RapNewz was stunned to hear the news, but being the exclusive source on this remarkable discovery, we felt a responsibility to dig deeper: How is Drake able to function if he is so utterly fragile that simply sleeping on a pillow poses an existential threat?
“We wondered the same thing,” said Dr. Finkelstein. “At first we were shocked he made it past infancy…we thought of Drake as a water balloon in an outside world composed entirely of Punji sticks and acupuncture needles: destined to pop eventually. Only later did we discover that Aubrey produces abnormally high amounts of estrogen, which in turn chemically reacts with his body to make him slightly more firm. We don’t quite understand it, but it explains why he’s so fucking emotional, it explains the incessant crying, and, you know, the whole vagina thing.”
Adds Dr. Finkelstein, “So when Aubrey says he ‘started from the bottom,’ we understand what he means. He’s talking about Rockwell’s hardness scale.” RapNewz asked where he was on the hardness scale today. “Now he’s here,” said the professor, pointing to the bottom. “Same place he began.”