Through hard work and many tedious hours of investigative journalism, we here at RapNewz have procured a coveted piece of pop culture history: a screenshot in which Kanye West cannot contain his excitement about how “fat” Kim Kardashian’s ass is. Enjoy!
(Note: while the link may imply this is a fake conversation, we assure you, it is not. Trust us!)
We here at Rap Newz are mulling a re-entry into the rap satire news reporting game.
Upon taking a step back, we’ve observed that:
A) The competition is extremely uninterested in competing, “probably because Rap Newz is the fuckin’ shit,” our marketing team told us,
B) There is waaaaay too much shit going on right now in the world of hip hop that deserves to be more fully ridiculed and is not, and
C) If we ever do come back, we will probably use the title “Don’t Call it A Comeback,” because LL Cool J is an absolute boss, and for no other reason. We will then proceed to detail a few not-so-awesome comebacks that the rap game has witnessed over the years. In fact, Vanilla Ice may be in the midst of one right now (but let’s hope not).
We’ll keep you posted. Thanks for all your support, and feel free to message us with suggestions, sentiments, or opinions about whether you could use some Rap Newz in your life or whether we should all keep our day jobs, which we assure you are all highly profitable and not at all involved in trying to get you 100k followers on Twitter in 6 days.
Cheers!
Cats everywhere are up in paws about the Drake/Lil Wayne song “The Motto,” which has served to popularize the term YOLO, an acronym for the truism “You Only Live Once.” Clearly the grounds for their objection here stem from the oft-repeated claim that cats have nine lives.
The criticism in response to the feline outcry is that, outside of a cat’s basic needs—food, shelter, and a halfway decent litterbox—it’s absurd to give a voice to the demands and concerns of these household pets, as they contribute nothing to society and thus should have no role in critiquing it. Additionally, when it comes to issues of culture—so the argument goes—there is little to no reason to believe that cats are capable of understanding them at all. We here at RapNewz are not convinced one way or another. To help us wrap our minds around this complex and contentious issue, we approached one of the world’s foremost neuroscientists, and engaged in a series of correspondences with him via email.
“Is that a serious question?” was his first reply. “Of course cats can’t take issues on controversial phrases or form coherent opinions. Even if they could, they couldn’t voice them. They’re fucking cats, you realize that right? They eat and sleep and shit and drag dead mice into your house and are generally just little furry assholes.” Valid points all, we replied, but how would the neuroscientist respond if he knew that RapNewz had spoken with the world’s most highly respected cat-whisperer, who told RapNewz that cats across the globe are royally pissed off about the YOLO issue? Surely he would not challenge the authority of another professional—or would he?
“Toss a cat in a blender and see how many lives it has,” retorted the cranky neuroscientist. “I don’t have time for this.”
Ever hoping to fulfill our duty as unbiased journalists, sticking to nothing but the facts, we took him up on the challenge, packing a stray kitten we found roaming through the garbage outside into the company blender.
Contrary to what you would expect, the kitten did not spontaneously regenerate after a thorough blending. Touche, neuroscientist.
When we contacted the cat-whisperer to report the results, she was defiant. “That proves nothing,” she said, raising a point that we had not yet considered, “how do you know that you experimented on a cat that had not already lost eight lives?” How indeed. It looks like RapNewz will have to repeat the experiment again, this time using a newborn kitten to be sure that no lives have already been expended. Only then will we know whether the feline outrage over the YOLO phrase rings hollow. Stay tuned for updates, and please contact us if you find yourself with some extra kittens you wish to unload.
Anonymous members of Kanye’s camp have verified that Kanye is extremely curious as to whether that shit “is or is not cray.” Mr. West has reportedly posed the question to Jay-Z, whom he believes may be able to shed some light on the situation. Hov has not yet answered the query. We should clarify to begin with that Jigga’s silence on the matter should not be construed as negative or as an offense to Mr. West; many think that Jay-Z is simply taking the time to research the question before providing an informed opinion. After all, it is a pressing question, and levels of crayness should never be responded to in haste.
As if this task were not already difficult enough, Kanye’s unquenchable curiosity does not end there. He also asks—to no one in particular, we might add—what dish “she” ordered, although the female he is referencing, as well as the location and details of this particular dining experience, are left unspecified. For what it’s worth, the rapper has openly postulated that he believes the likely dish was “fish fillet.”
Yeezyologist Eunice Badonk is on a team of researchers working night and day to find answers to these questions. “It’s extremely frustrating,” says Dr. Badonk, “because he just openly poses these questions, and expects there to be answers to them immediately. That’s not how it works. People have devoted their lives to questions like these and died unsatisfied. Just because you’re famous doesn’t mean you’re privileged to the answers to some of life’s most important and timeless questions.” Dr. Badonk, who earned her graduate degree in Kanyeegotism at the University of Phoenix two years ago, has spent endless hours in the lab poring over a wide array of specimens, some of which she cannot discuss because they are sensitive to national security issues. Although she is a workhorse, she admits that she is beginning to find it difficult to keep up the pace demanded by her research. “I haven’t had a wink of sleep in more than two weeks,” says a zombie-esque Badonk. “We got a huge shipment of shit from the Pentagon that we believe could have some cray in it, and since then things have just been insane.”
That said, the tireless work of Dr. Badonk and her team of Yeezyologists may be starting to pay off. Says the doctor, with a noticeable sigh of relief, “We believe we are close to finding out what she ordered, and as it stands now it looks like it most probably was fish fillet, although don’t quote me on that, whatever you do. Definitely do not quote me. Because,” she concludes, rolling her eyes, perhaps involuntarily due to unprecedented levels of sleep deprivation, “there’s a small chance that it could have been macaroni.”
Drake’s “Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’ma do it for the bay, okay” is the greatest injection of life that movement has received in years. Unless E-40 suddenly gets popular again and starts going hyphy on everyone’s asses. Which…I’m “sayin there’s a chance”…but with Dumb & Dumber-like odds.
“Yes! THIS is the man who will restore the bay area to greatness once again, it HAS to be!”
No, I’m afraid we have entered the age of the basedgod.
Medical researchers at UNC-Chapel Hill’s school of medicine released data on Saturday suggesting that if the tally they’ve amassed of rappers claiming to be sickly is accurate, it places rap artists as the most at-risk profession for contacting some sort of malady while on the job. Its 99% rate of active professionals who are currently sick is many times that of the distant 2nd and 3rd place careers in the category, which happen to be 3rd world hospital workers—with 23% of their workforce constantly ill—and amateur mad scientists, whose tendency to routinely create accidental chemical explosions may explain why 19% of its workforce is currently not well.
In the study, 1700 rappers were surveyed, and 1699 of them spoke openly in their songs about their current struggles with some sort of ailment, which they frequently speak of in a pretentious and often proud-sounding manner. Rappers like Lil Wayne, Young Jeezy, Eminem, Kanye West, Jay-Z, T.I., B.o.B, A$AP Rocky, Machine Gun Kelly, Tyler, The Creator, Pitbull, and pretty much any other one you can think of, have all claimed to be sick or ill at some point or another. The single rapper in the survey who had not yet claimed to be suffering from some variation of this widespread and troublingly unidentified illness has incidentally not yet released any material, a fact which he tells RapNewz is due to him “havin da flu like a mothafucka, yo.” So the only rapper with no material to his name is also the only one who is sick with something identifiable. Aside from Kreayshawn, who, it was revealed last Saturday by RapNewz, actually has syphilis and a laundry list of other diseases.
Scientists and doctors alike are unsure why health conditions seem to be so universally poor amongst hip-hop artists, although one theory about the contagion is that it could possibly be spread by way of saliva. “Rappers talk about ‘spitting in the booth’ a lot,” says Neil Shackleford, one of the authors of the study, as he winces in disgust. “In fact,” says Neil, “they often admit to being sick when they are in the process of spitting in the booth.” He shakes his head. “That raises all kinds of red flags, let me tell you.”
In promoting his much-hyped second studio album, Triple F Life: Friends, Fans, and Family, Wacka Flocka Flame has begun to attract criticism for some of the more dubious advertising techniques employed throughout the process. It could signal major legal troubles for Flocka, who may stand to forfeit all the royalties from the release if an investigation were to reveal misconduct—which it almost certainly would. Most think a lawsuit is likely, given the magnitude and scope of the techniques employed by Waka’s advertising firm, PeepDis Inc., the self-proclaimed “industry pioneer in creative advertising.” Critics point out that there are distinct and rather clear differences between creativity and outright libel, innovation and false advertising.
The controversy stems from an extensive, international advertising campaign—consisting of TV, radio, internet, and print ads, all equally dishonest—that has been running since mid-April of last year. Despite this, the fan reaction to the elaborate campaign has been “subdued” says an employee of Media Analytics, a firm that monitors the efficiency of advertising dollars spent. Subdued indeed. A series of YouTube videos made to promote the album have garnered a total of 27 hits in almost a year’s time, “all from the same IP Address, registered to Mr. Flocka’s own Toshiba laptop,” says Media Analytics. A Facebook group started by Waka himself to promote the album has only two members, he himself being the first one, and a woman confirmed to be his grandmother the second, although her Facebook account looks suspicious, and very well could have been hastily created by Waka’s promotion team. The group, which began with routine posts promoting the album, has devolved into a repetitive one-way communication tool for Waka to thank his grandmother for her support. (To be clear, Waka’s agent says that his mother was in the group at one point in time, i.e., the group used to have a total of 3 members, but she later removed herself and blocked her talentless son entirely.) Ironically, it seems, Waka’s friends, fans, and family are not behind his new album, the sales of which may prompt Waka to reconsider what three F words he will be repeating in months to come.
But the complete failure to generate hype on Facebook is not where Waka finds himself facing potential legal trouble, which is more a result of the practices employed by his marketing firm, PeepDis Inc., which research shows is composed of a handful of ex-felons with no official work experience.
Promoting an album that is now almost certain to fail, the ad campaigns all feature a series of quotes from critics and entertainment magazines, ostensibly touting the album as a critically acclaimed masterpiece. But a quick Google search, or brief conversation with anyone who has heard parts of the CD, reveals that the consensus opinion is in fact unanimously negative. One would never imagine this on the basis of the campaign, which reels off quote after quote showering Waka Flocka’s Triple F Life with fantastic—and quite literally unbelievable—praises. One such ad ran in an Atlanta newspaper and read as follows:
“DA CRITICS IZ CRAZY BOUT WAKA’S NEW ALBUM, TRIPLE F LIFE: FRIENDS, FANS, AND FAMILY, COMING SOON IN 2012. SEE WHAT DEY SAYIN:
‘…literally could not conceive of a better album…’
—Rolling Stone
‘…easily, hands-down, the best rap album of all time…’
—XXL
‘…unprecedented…’
—The Source
‘…truly a work of profound…genius…’
—AllHipHop.com
‘…2 thumbs way up…’
—Ebert & Roper”
These supposedly glowing reviews, when read in their full, original, and intended context, reveal a jarring disparity between their real meaning and the implied meaning promulgated by Waka’s promotional team. Here is how these quotes originally appeared in the sources mentioned; you be the judge (the text omitted from Waka’s ads is highlighted in bold):
“I literally could not conceive of a better albumto inspire someone to go home and slit their wrists to mourn the death of art itself. The most horrendous excuse for music I have ever heard. Ever.”
—Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone
“If unoriginal content, recycled beats, half-assed effort, and no talent were the marks of a classic CD, this would be considered easily, hands-down, the best rap album of all time.”
—XXL
“Waka’s album is entirely deserving of its ‘Triple F’ moniker. Everything about it reeks of failure and epitomizes raw awfulness. The most pathetic attempt man has ever made in any age to art or cultured expression. In that sense, it’s certainly unprecedented.”
—The Source
“Truly a work of profound crap. Waka’s sheer stupidity is evident in every single line of every single song. At one point I just turned the album off when I realized he was making George W. look like a fucking genius.”
—AllHipHop.com
“Now, we don’t usually review music, but we made an exception for Waka Flocka Flame’s new album. We’d been hearing how dreadfully bad it was and decided to give it a listen, just for the heck of it…turns out that it was, in fact, god-awful. Our only comment on Triple F Life is that Waka must have had two thumbs way up his ass when he was recording it. Waka Flocka has done everything within his power to give momentum to the racist stereotype that black people are lazy, violent, stupid, drug dealers who offer nothing to society. For me, I can say with certainty that the album made me reconsider these stereotypes and become a racist again.”
—Ebert & Roeper
While Ebert & Roeper have faced their own backlash for the joint statement admitting to a reversion to racism, they have stood their ground and refused to retract their statement, saying they will only retract it if Waka Flocka retires from rapping, doesn’t release his new CD, is banned from the airwaves, and stops misusing their quote to make it seem like they support him.
For its part, the African-American community seems to support Ebert & Roeper. Said the influential Reverend Jesse Jackson “I have been a champion for civil rights my entire life. There is no goal more important to me than erasing the ugliness of racism entirely from the face of this earth. But it simply cannot be done if Wacka Flocka continues to perpetuate and encourage racist stereotypes. I’m confident that he is the sole reason racism still exists. Why do you think there are so many racists in the south?” asks Jackson, forcefully, tears swelling in his eyes. “It’s because of Waka.”
Rack City, the sprawling metropolis recently made famous by Tyga in his hit song bearing the city’s name, was today revealed in the annual survey done by the Grandmother-Lover Institute of Gerontology and Sexuality as the best place in the world for grandmothers to “score that ass.”
“Indeed,” says the survey, “if your grandmother resides in Rack City, it’s not at all unlikely that, at this very moment, Tyga has her on his dick.”
The survey, of course, is referencing the line in Tyga’s ode to Rack City where the rapper proclaims “Got ya grandma on my dick/Girl you know what it is.”
Reports of missing grandmothers from across the nation are gradually being identified as cases where the grandmother in question picked up and moved to Rack City in hopes of sexually liberating herself. Often it is more obvious this has occurred when grandmothers take their husband’s Viagra with them, either so he won’t be able to use it with any other partners while they’re gone, or because they think it could be a useful aid for their own sexual partners in Rack City.
But Viagra, says a source with knowledge of the Rack City demographics, “probably ain’t necessary” for many in Rack City’s population. Rack City is composed almost entirely of rappers and their crews; specifically the rappers who have participated in some remix to the original Tyga song—rappers like Wale, Fabolous, Meek Mill, Young Jeezy, and TI, to name a few. The rest of the population is strictly grandmothers. This has sparked much outrage and violent protest from males in retirement homes across the country, with some of the racist undertones one is prone to expect from the elderly, out-of-touch, white, infertile, and overtly jealous male demographic—in other words, the dominant demographic of retirement homes.
“It’s them nigrahs!” exclaims 92 year old Gilbert Millstein of Tampa, Florida, whose wife disappeared after hearing “Rack City” on the radio for the first time a few days ago.
A group of elderly men whose wives have abandoned them for the City of Racks has banded together in an attempt to find the city, as it’s whereabouts are entirely unknown to the parts of the population that are not either elderly women or the typically younger rappers. However, these attempts have been utter failures, as elderly men are extremely forgetful, and often forget that their wives were even missing to begin with. Furthermore, some have become uncertain about what they would actually do, should they in fact discover the city’s whereabouts . “Well, I’d walk right in there and ask those jungle bunnies what they’d done with my sweet Esther,” says racist Old Man Gilbert. He then pauses and reconsiders for a moment. “Nah…nah, actually. I reckon I’d get my ass beat fer sayin’ somethin’ like that. Now that I think about it, it’s actually nicer without her here.”
In a rare shout-out to the hip-hop community, Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman wrote in a New York Times article on Sunday that the current economic recovery is primarily being fuelled by rappers “using their vast sums of wealth to buy clothes and reimburse hoes for various services they provide. Also, a large percentage of their income is being spent on bling, houses, automobiles, and automobile accessories…Rappers are horrible savers, presumably because they associate more money with more problems.” Krugman goes on to attribute the remarkable comeback of the auto industry and the stabilization of the housing markets entirely to “rappers and their fans.” Says Krugman, “without rap culture, it’s likely that America would be a third-world country right now; it’s even possible we would find ourselves in the midst of a second civil war. Instead of criticizing the culture of hip-hop, we should be thanking it. Holler.”
Late Brooklyn-born rap legend Biggie Smalls was even cited in the article directly. “As Biggie once said, money, hoes and clothes, blunt smoke comin’ out the nose—is all a nigga knows. We should be thankful that niggas know about these things; I think we could all stand to learn a little on the subjects.” Although Krugman goes on to clarify that the smoking of blunts, up 42% from last year, has had a minimal effect on the economy. “The smokage of blunts,” he says, “while it has fueled the tobacco industry to some extent, and while it has boosted the black market profits of many a marijuana dealer, has also spawned a remarkable drop in productivity. Anyone who has blazed a fatty and sat paralyzed on the couch for two and a half hours will readily testify to this.”
The article goes on to use a number of boring, indecipherable graphs that Krugman claims serve to support his thesis, although only four people in the world are presumed to be capable of understanding them. One of the bolder claims the article makes is that Obama’s 2009 economic stimulus package, while a good thing, is less responsible for the economic recovery than previously thought. The auto industry bailout didn’t hurt things either, but the reason American automakers are thriving again is because of a handful of rap stars with “racks on racks on racks.” Rack City, the metropolis where Tyga and a number of other rap artists now reside, is also mentioned as the epicenter of most of the recent economic growth.
Krugman is quick to point out that when he uses the term “recovery,” he does not mean the eponymous 2010 CD by the rapper Eminem—whom, incidentally, he cites as one of his idols—but rather an economic recovery. Krugman adds “Recovery did play a large role in the recovery, though. By the most conservative estimates, it helped to create 10 or 11 million jobs. Thank you, Mr. Mathers.”
RapNewz has learned from a source close to female West Coast rapper Kreayshawn that she has contacted an intense and incurable case of Bieber Fever, or biebphilius, the debilitating disease characterized by an unhealthy obsession with teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber. Also, she has syphilis and a slew of other disgusting, lifelong diseases.
Kreayshawn, who looks diseased, stormed upon the national music scene last May, with her song “Gucci Gucci.” The music video for “Gucci Gucci” became an overnight YouTube sensation, and now has upwards of 30 million views.
Now, Bieber Fever has been spreading for well over a year now, and if you’ve seen or heard Kreayshawn before, you may wonder how she came down with biebphilius. Biebphilius typically spreads amongst horny teenage girls who listen to Justin Bieber religiously, never miss an opportunity to see one of his shows, and frequently masturbate to pictures and YouTube videos with Bieber in them. It’s unlikely that Kreayshawn falls into this category, but one popular theory about how Kreayshawn could have gotten Bieber Fever is that she unknowingly had sex with someone who already had the disease. It’s entirely possible…likely, even, that Kreayshawn had sex with a teenage Justin Bieber fan with biebphilius, and that the disease was subsequently transmitted to Kreayshawn.
As for Syphilis, Kreayshawn’s fans have long speculated that the rapper is a haven for STD’s—in fact, some fans are so worried about this they rush up to her in the streets and ask how much longer she has to live. But, until today, Kreayshawn had not been known to have any STD’s, and for all we know, could have been perfectly healthy, despite her haggardly appearance.
It must be quite a blow to Kreayshawn and her millions of admiring fans, then, to learn that not only does she have Bieber Fever and Syphilis, but also Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Genital Warts, Hepatitis B, Crabs, Hepatitis C, Herpes, Hepatitis A, and is HIV positive.
We wish the best for Kreayshawn, who is the most infected and diseased woman we’ve ever heard of. Time will tell if Kreayshawn puts her rap career on pause to address these extremely serious health concerns, or if she will continue to perform, get tattoos, do excessive amounts of drugs, and fuck, spreading her myriad of diseases to unsuspecting sexual partners. If she chooses to ignore her health, it may only be a matter of months till we see her collapse mid-show, or die while having sex with one of her equally-diseased partners.
